Thursday, December 17, 2009

Psychological Mishandling

I promised to write about myself in a blog. Here it is.

Name's Kyle. You probably got that bit. Male, 18, Australian, transitioning from little-working-school-kid to Mr Responsibility. It's pretty average, at the moment.

Asian mum, Irish dad. Weird mix, right. Even I raise an eyebrow at blatant interracial marriages as if to say "the fuck happened there?"

Childhood, good. Mainly exploring, crying, playing with Lego and K'Nex, bikes, computers, the average shit kids do these days. No dramas.

Teenhood, average. Pretty glad to be born into a drama-less family, nothing with alcohol abuse or drugs or one-parent balancing.

Enough of the blah.

In this blog, my main goal is to explain my perception of people as both individuals and as a group (mainly, the society of my age group, since that's the only shit-sad excuse of social exposure I can manage to get at the moment). Sorry for the little aim statement, but in my previous blog I ranted off into some education biography. Just trying to keep on track here.

To begin, I'm going to admit that I'm fucked in the head. As you may have read previously, I moved a few high schools. One bad [and obvious] thing about this is the lack of settlement, or rather, environment absorption. If you move about, you get no real sense of who's who and what's what. Only those who have attended a high school from 7 to 12 knows the people and places inside and out. I have never experienced this.

One good thing about this was my exposure to so many different people. Think of the situation as an explorer on a quest to discover the many exotic animals of the world, first starting in the tropics of Africa, then land-hopping to Antarctica and finally the plains of America. The common factor? You find animals. They're complex organisms that breathe, eat, shit, breed. The differing factor? Habitat. They dwell among us with completely different, lifestyle, diet, physical shape and behaviour.

My obsession was to study this different behaviour (and to a lesser extent, the environment which may influence such actions) in order to gain a better understanding of the general human function within our modern social world. The reason I emphasise 'general' is due to the fact that one cannot accurately and consecutively predict human behaviour. This statement only emerges from my observations during 18 years of life, though I am quite certain it is correct.

What I learned from my relatively regular school migration is that
  • I can make friends with incredible ease
  • Some people are scarily clingy and insecure
  • Those who are clueless about the social happenings around them are put at great disadvantage
Addressing the first point, due to a source of free-flowing friends, I removed the needing factor of cling or insecurity. Everyone needs friends, sure, but if you know you can lose them and replace them with ease, the relationship's value drops dramatically. Now, call me a hypocrite, because everyone has their stages of cling and insecurity. I'll get to the third point later.

Here's my fucked up logic. I could replace friends with ease, thus the relationship's value dropped dramatically. I found that I didn't even care about those on the other end, that it was their fault for getting attached to me in the first place. For some reason, I assumed a proper friend could foresight my lack of neediness and be sure not to get too close. Oh boy, was I wrong, and oh boy, did I think people were stupid for not doing so. Big headed, right?

As a result of my replacement abilities, I experimented with relationships. From normal friends to girlfriends to randoms to teachers. I tweaked my behaviour in a way that would either
  • Adapt to their liking
  • Repel their interest
  • Think sceptically of me as a person
At the end of each relationship, I would analyse what I did, what the [in]significant other would do in response, then how the 'animal-inspection' process could be improved in the future. I learned how to tick people off, how to make them like me, how to manipulate the socially clueless. When I lost a person as a result of my analysis, it didn't matter, a new subject was put in place. On with the learning.

This hands on practice obviously caused some stirs. A damaged relationship never sinks without the gurgle of a ship fighting to stay afloat. Care factor? Never rised above 1. If only the whole social network didn't twitch at the sight of a dying friendship, then my job would have been much easier. It wasn't though, which retarded some of my progress, but I pushed on.

Midway through my final year of high school, I'd entered myself in a three-person friendship bond. Now initially, this was all an experiment for me. I thought I'd see what it was like, fish out the biopsy, inspect, analyse, trash it. I tried to somewhat distance myself from the bond subtlety in order to leave when I need be. I thought I was succeeding, until one day when I did decide to leave, my apparent connection had already been made much, much stronger than I'd expected. Upon leaving, I had damaged the other two participants to such a degree that it forced me to reconsider my actions as an explorer, or more so, a person. I literally had nothing to gain from my adventures other than the ability to manipulate people, as well as the side-fun that came with it.

Of course, it took me this long to realise how fucking idiotic I was. To think I could treat other people with such lack of care for their feelings. It was like, "I didn't care about what they felt. If they crumbled, they fell because their structure wasn't strong enough". My theory was, if everyone was able to look after themselves, then no one would be reliant on others to maintain their security. To me, reliance was a sign of social weakness, a symbol of incapability and inexperience. Defend yourself from what can happen, so when it does, you can still stand strong.

Apparently, it didn't work like this, and although my logic wasn't flawed, it certainly did not apply to the real world.

I reinstated my connection in the three-person bond, and although bumpy (isn't every relationship, to some degree?) we're all making an effort to maintain the social balance. This had concluded my life as an explorer, as of now. I sometimes feel, however, when I'm angry or when I think too much, that the explorer in me yearns for those animal inspections once again. It's currently my job to suppress the inner adventurer, and tell him that he cannot analyse the mystical creatures of the world, that he must first learn to respect the animals before intruding their regular habitat. Only then can he observe without practice. Invasiveness is uncomfortable.

I think I'm getting better. It seems like my blogs already do follow a natural format, though whether its fluent or not, I can't be entirely sure. I can only wait and hope that I get some constructive criticism as to how I can improve my writing skill without trading off my self expression.

I've decided that the artistic thumbnails at the end of my blogs represent either a portion of me and how I appreciate art in all of its mediums and styles, or an image to somewhat relate to the content of the blog. It could easily be both.

My first few entries will most likely be about how I've lived for the past few years (as that's mostly all I can remember) and try to identify what imperfections I have as a person. I can only try to improve myself in hope that others are too.

Hopefully someone will understand.

Unrequited, unseen, forbidden love.

Thanks for reading.

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